“Push.....Push....Yes...Yes...Push it harder.”
“Is it out??”
“Give it another try. You will soon see a new face.”
And my final ordeal began. The empyrean excitement to hold for the first time, a life which I could say is OURS, filled me with a tremendous flow of fluid to make it even easier for me. I could feel the uncontrolable urge to push it out as fast as possible. All women out there would understand. I could fancy a happy complete family of mine. I just needed to push it a little harder. It was choking me heavily to death, but still I was ready to take all fear & pain for the sweet dream I saw. I was scared to hurt the new one while I clambered. Each time I tried to push, it came out to the tip of my tongue.... but, again slickly slipped back all the way deep into my heart as I drank away my saliva to slacken my strained nerves.
“Could you let it out this time?”
“No. I couldn’t”.
"But what went wrong this time???"
My words tried to come out kicking back at my heart with all force. But I could not speak out a single word. With a bated breath, I kept struggling to say. They kept encouraging me. But my fear to face something unacceptable held me back... What if I give birth to a dead child??? And what if the child is derelicted by this cruel world??? I knew...the longer I held it back, the remote became my chances to feel the first touch of a new RELATIONSHIP. I left it to time & fate knowing that it would be even painful for me to helplessly witness my apprehensions come true than to keep struggling with my words forever inside. I am still going through LABOUR PAIN.
I still remember the run. I was running to catch it...very fast...even faster. The excitement to catch it made me forget the distance & direction. The mischievous wind soughing in my hair, the speed which light would fear... This was the passion. I kept running ups & lows trouncing successfully know not what number of huddles. The ecstacy seethed through each pore on my skin, the moment I saw myself nearing my catch. For a moment I felt blessed with Arjun's Eye. I kept ignoring my gasp which grew with the gallop of my feet. Arms stretched, greedy fist, heart's fandango, eyes wide open to imprint & captivate the moment's excitement for time immemorial...I run finally. Yes, only a grab away..... And....... O God!!!!! I turned with rage to see someone pulling me back. "Stop it. It's not yours. It was never yours. Let it go free". My senses freezed ever securing the moment's feel. The words echoed hard in me burrying my heart's cry deep within. I saw her calm & sinless; smiling or mocking at my foolishness??? She was my conscience. I saw myself holding me back. I never walked a step without her before. Now, how could I do this? I think she was right. It was never mine. But I was not ready to absorb it even if I accepted it. The momentary pleasure of having something which was never meant to be yours, sometimes makes human beings crave. I am a human being. Was I saved? Was it that I succumbed to fear...fear of losing? Or was it that I became a slave of my non-performance? I never questioned back at her. May be all she did that day was a blessing in disguise. I love her. Or did I love him???